Stress...........

Tonight I'm not even sure where to start is so much goin on, so much stressin me out,

I've not had a breakdown since I returned from my SAR efforts in NYC after 9-11 but some days I feel I'm on the verge.....

You see I'm havin issues with my person life, not to be shared here sorry lol. Even for me some things remain personal.

 I have a pregnant teenage daughter at home, while very anxiously awaitin the birth of my first grandchild, a boy :D. My daughter nor her fiance work. My cousin and her teenage son lives with me as well, and though I'd not have it any other way , as they have no one else and no place to go. She also doesn't work. So I support them as well. I have twin 18 year old boys as well, One a senior in high school and the other a college student in Indianapolis. Both of them require much support as well. Truly I'm not complainin, this is my life always has been and probably always will be. Family is everything and I will always find a way but...........

Some days you know it's just to much, not knowin where the money's comin from to pay the bills, to buy the things they all need, to support a child that now lives out of state as he tries to make somethin more of his life.

Though I love what I do , my paycheck on stretches so far ......

I get stressed then I cry for a while then I get bitchy......

No one understands that, they just see me bein bitchy, they never think about what I'm goin through...... payin all the household bills, makin sure all of us have what we need, then payin their bills as well.........

I'm not lookin for pity....... I took them all on........ I seem to collect strays, stray ppl that is lol, always have and probably always will.......

Just a lil underastandin occasionally would be nice .....

I'd kill for a night out, just an ice cream and a walk in the park would be heaven.....

Tried the other night , went out with mom and the expecting parents and just had some fun with the cameras and takin some silly fun photos and when I posted then , I got comments like while they r decent, that's the best u could do , etc, etc ...

Seriously ???????? It was just for fun, do ppl not realize how lil commets like that hurt and just crushed the good mood I'd managed to find that evenin .........

I don't get "me" time. someone always wants me to do something, fix something, help with somethin, etc, etc.... and that's ok mostly but just one night

Is that so much to ask for ??????? One night just alone with him, no phones, no kids callin every 2 seconds, just some time to try and heel the issues that we have and to just be together and alone for once.

Is big festival in town this wknd, my favorite local band will be there and he has drill, :( , it's always something. I totally support his service , his and every other military personal, fire, ems, police , etc

Just seem to be havin a hard time fightin the depressive side of my bi-polar lately more than normal. I live more on my manic side and that works well for me but occasionally the depression sneaks in and here we go......

I sit her ramblin on about anything and everything not makin a whole lot of sense I know , to anyone but me lol.

Anyway guess that's enough for this out of control blog lol, was just mainly to vent some stress anyway

Night all

*Hugs*

Shell