What do you mean I am not GOD ????????----February 20, 2010

The scene was a familiar one, patient passed out on the couch, the stench of alcohol swarms around us, and his wife hysterical……. A career soldier that had seen too much war and devastation that now battled extensively with drugs and alcohol… a frequent flyer we’d been here before….


Tonight was different however, he wans’t breathin, a full arrest……..


CPR begins as Jeff struggles to get a line in and start pushin some meds …… I’ve zoned out and only can think that though the grip of death is there the fucker is not gonna win , not on MY watch………


Jeff seems to be in a well as he talks with the docs and administered drugs, iv push , as he places leads for the ekg hopin for any sign of life……


The decision is made to shock him……. Flat line


And again and again a flat line……….


I continue cpr in between hopin, prayin for anything ….just a rhythm of any kind… no such luck….. 30 minutes into the call Jeff says that’s it I’m callin for permission to discontinue treatment ……….I continue cpr as Jeff makes the call and even as he’s tellin me the ME and PD is on their way ….I refuse…….. I can’t quit this guys life is in my hands……….I’m pulled off my patient and told that’s it … we’ve lost him………..


I’m all but hysterical…………


You see I’m a 20 year old paramedic J and death isn’t an option for me. I was trained to save lives. I was trained as if I was some paramedic God that had all control to determine life and death at every scene!!!!!!!!! I held my patients lives in my hands on the streets……. My decisions and treatment decided life and death nothing and no one else…….


It was my first loss ….something I wasn’t ready to accept. We weren’t taught about death, I was taught to save lives at all cost.


This guy had spent his life fightin for me and this country and I couldn’t help him when he needed someone the most WTF??????? What was I doin then??????? Why was I a medic????? What was the purpose if death was still gonna happen????? Why bother?????


I finished my shift in a fog…… Listenin to Jeff tell me it happens. Death is part of the job……


I went home for my 48 off and cried and screamed and questioned my life and what I was doin with it…. I relieved the call over and over and over ….


What did I do wrong????? What did I miss?????? Why did I allow death to win??????


Debriefin with the work shrink and my LT. was something, I screamed and cursed and yelled and cried, threw things and cursed some more ………


My LT looked at me and said…….. this shall make or break you as a medic Shell….it’s your call now, death won this time and it’s part of the job sometimes but, without you more might die , waitin on a response from another crew……..


Next time it might be a friend or family member is that what you want????? Is that what you trained for?????? To give it up because you’ve learned you are only human and not God ???


Jeff told me this was my decision time…. Was this something I was truly supposed to do??????? Now was the time to decide????


So I spent the next 24 thinkin and cryin and doubtin myself, my skills…….even my life……..


For myself I came to the conclusion that I must try , I still had fears and still relived the scene over and over tryin to figure out what we had missed , knowin we’d missed nothing, we’d treated the symptoms presented to us , by protocol and to the best of our abilities, it just wasn’t meant to be that time…….


I went back and did ok til that next full arrest call …… that was my true test and the fear that I’d freeze up but….. Commitment and adrenaline are an amazn force……. I didn’t freeze up….. Then I KNEW that was what I was meant to do no more doubts……..


I’d finally accepted that I’m NOT some super human paramedic GOD that can control life or death at every call……… sometimes death wins and it’s sad but it’s not my fault…… it just is …….