9-11-01 My Story---February 20, 2010

With the recent quakes in Haiti and all the devastation ….


I’ve found myself struggling with memories, nightmares and flashbacks……. That I thought I’d put behind me finally and forever….


You see Sept. 11 , 2001 as that first plane crashed into the towers I was just comin in from work at a local nursing home where I worked nights as a CNA. I flipped on the tv to see the news broadcastin the first hit…… the loss of the first tower….


At that point in my life ….. I was a retired paramedic…. I’d only been retired a matter of months then. I was also a volunteer firefighter. I loved both jobs and continued my trainin and CEU’s in order to stay with my volunteer company but due to a diagnosis of rheumatoid arthritis and fibromyalgia at 15 I was no longer able to physically do the job that I so dearly loved L. I retired and continued my volunteer work and some prn work and changed careers to one that though physically demandin as well it was demandin in a different way and not as life threatenin if I was hurtin and my hands were not workin as well as they should be that night.


I’d been a medic for 11 years and stayed in close contact with my partner that I’d had for 10 of those years and many others that I’d worked with………


I picked up the phone as I watched the news that am and called Jeff (my partner) and just said have you heard ????? Jeff just asked if I was goin ? Of course I was goin, physical issues or not this is what I was trained for and I was needed. Jeff had his own reasons for goin as well. See he has extended family that worked in those towers. Told Jeff to make the arrangements for us and for anyone else that was goin and I’d find someone to take my kids for a couple weeks.


I called my Dad and he asked if I’d heard and when I said yes I was watchin it at that moment he replied for me to pack the kids things asd bring them to him. My dad was then my best friend and my closest confident and he truly knew me better than anyone in my life and knew that I’d go…….I’d have to ……





Jeff organized a SAR team from our area that would go, got our plane transportation sorted out and all the supplies we could lay our hands on and get onto that plane.


As I hugged my confused children good-bye and handed Dad temporary legal custody of them (just in case) I cried and thought what if I don’t make it home….but I knew somewhere inside that I had to go……..


As we sat on that plane to NYC we talked and cried and prayed and tried to sort our heads around what had happened there……..The complete devastation the sheer number of lives loss and of course the loss of 343 of our own brothers …


Let me tell you nothing and no one could have been prepared us for the sight that met us at ground zero. Ash for miles and miles, homes, businesses, lives just lay in ruins…….


Immediately shown a place to drop supplies and stash our limited luggage we’d brought, we went to briefing….


There for once in my life I doubted my callin to be there, as we listened to the Commander in charge of the area we would be assisting in tell us that as it was now almost 4 days after the attacks……… mostly we weren’t there for rescue but for body part search……… By all means they prayed for survivors but with what they’d seen already that hope was quickly fadin and they hoped at least to be able to identify all that was lost in the towers that day …….


I grabbed Jeff’s hand and that of a NYC firefighter(who also happened to be named Jeff and also had lost extended family in the attacks) that was in our briefin as well and damn nearcrushed their hands …….I was there to find survivors and save their lives……..I was a paramedic. I didn’t know if I could do this ….. but I was here and no matter what it took I was gonna do my part for the 2 weeks I had there.


We worked in groups of 3 and by the grace of God I was with Jeff and Jeff lol. The NYC firefighter that I’d tried to crush his hand durin briefin…. We reported to our area and time at ground zero and so the search began………..


I don’t know if I can find the words to describe the scene, the smell of death, the feelin that the devil himself walked this scene. The ground still so hot that it melted the rubber on the soles on our boots.The sense of the souls of those lost. The ash that covered everythin and everyone…….. The sense of complete and total helplessness…….Wanderin how anyone had survived …… if there was someone somewhere anywhere still alive , would we find them in time…….Would we survive this to go home to our families ????? Would we ever be the same ppl we once were ???


For 2 weeks we searched 20 hours a day. We found no survivors ourselves, but one poor dog that had all 4 legs broken but you know in the mist of hell that was a major boost to our egos. We took it and used that rescue as our strength to carry on the last week we were there. To gather and bag , arms, legs, hands, fingers ….etc…….


I cried I think every minute I was out there. I’d drop, exhausted and feelin so helpless, to the ground and feel the burns still through my uniform…….. Only to have my Jeff’s pull me up and remind me it could have been my family and it was theirs in those towers that day. It humbled me in ways I never thought possible. Both these guys I was workin with had lost family in those towers and here I was actin like a crybaby. So we searched and searched and searched…….


We attended services for the 343 brothers we’d lost that day and cried til I was sure we would waste to nothing from dehydration of the tears…….


Jeff and I met some wonderful awesome ppl. Firefighters, medics, emt’s , soldiers, drs, nurses and just plain American ppl that loved their country and wanted to help in any way they could. We never had to look for a meal or coffee, many many cooked and supplied hot coffee for the SAR team’s 24/7. Offers of beds and showers were given to us in massive offers daily…..


We truly saw what it meant to be an AMERICAN durin those 2 weeks.


Durin debriefin before we were to return home…. I broke down again sayin good bye to so many. Knowin I’d probably never see them again but wantin them to know how much they’d touched my life while I was there for such a horrific call to duty.


As bad as it was I left there with as many good memories as I did bad ones. I also left with the other Jeff’s NYC firefighter ballcap lol. He took Jeff and I to the airport to say good bye and put it on my head as I walked toward the gate cryin yet again………..


The trip home was a silent one for Jeff and I ………unusual for me. We landin in town quietly and uneventful but were given a heros return at our station house…. Somethin neither of us wanted , we weren’t heros just 2 everyday firefighter/medics that felt a call to help when our country needed us …….


We returned to our lives and families and often to this day still, we hold them a lil longer and a lot tighter and tell them all more often we love them.


Jeff returned to work and has since married and has a wonderful awesome wife and 2 beautiful children.


The other Jeff (was all I called him for 2 weeks, don’t know if I ever learned his last name)… .struggled to return to a normal life and suffers greatly with PTSD and some other issues still to this day…….. But we keep in contact occasionally


I returned to my kids, my family and my life and was never the same…. I too struggled with PTSD for some time. Nightmares and flash backs, unrealistic fears of even allowin my children to go to school ……..I became a recluse fearful of the outside world…… but thanks to some very lovin friends and family, that refused to give up on me…. I finally sought the help of an amazing therapist for PTSD and am now in recovery. It never goes away and recent events have brought much of it to the forefront of my mind once again…. But I manage it now and live a “normal” healthy life with my kids, my family and my friends…